naturallypixie | Reading

This interview is absolutely delightful! I did not know Harrison Ford was so warm and wise and wonderful. (I don't follow pop culture very closely, though I do remember him rescuing lost hikers with his personal plane in Wyoming, many years ago.)

Watch on YouTube

serafaery

still quite sick. but no fever. josh tested negative for covid when he was sick so i knew it wasn't that but i tested anyway - it's not. just a severe cold.

missing forest time something fierce. might go back to the sunflower farm tomorrow, or go look for mushrooms by myself. or both. it's a lot of driving but i have amy tan's backyard bird chronicles to keep me company.

...

our offer on the house was accepted, so inspection is next, hopefully friday. we're excited and very nervous. this house could get expensive very quickly. it's 25 years old and most likely so are all the major systems (furnace, water heater, roof) so there might be some looming major costs we did not anticipate, we'll have to see. we already know we need to repair the fence and add air conditioning so it's already a bit daunting. oof. need to start moving money around for escrow and all that other adulty stuff i only basically understand. it's all very terrifying, especially as "the big one" (major earthquake that will devastate the region) will hit any day and take the house down along with everything we put into with it. (I've been afraid of this earthquake since i was a child, for good reason.)

But, as i get older, i just can't worry or care so much about the end of things anymore. it's closer now than my beginning, at this point, and could be much, much closer than i want to admit to my partner or loved ones. we die young, in my family. and my body has degenerative problems worse than some 70 year old women i know.

and honestly, the grief i went through when i was younger, losing my grandparents as child and my dad as a very young adult and my mom in the most horrific, slow, torturous way, along with pets and partners and chances at educational goals and the years i lost to being sedentary when my hip needed to be reconstructed and then struggling for twelve years through that recovery process and and and. the self harm, the migraines so painful i dry-heaved from the pain for hours, multiple times a month for so many years, the constant fighting with the addictive genes in this painful body, the mental illness from childhood trauma and neglect, the bone-deep crushing sobs i cried night after night after night that never felt survivable, i know all that took a toll.

i just kind of have to quietly accept everything, including that it might not work out and things could get worse before they get worse. it's nothing worth fretting about anymore, because I don't feel like there's enough left worth fretting over anymore.

the rest of my life is going to hurt.

...

my little self-care app "finch" is so useful but the facebook group is rough, i need to get off of there. all they talk about is getting certain items, they've completely lost track of the point. to be fair, the app has beautiful designs for the little rewards that are available as tasks are accomplished and points are gained, and it's fun to see what they come up with, the creativity and artwork is all so charming and delightful and fun and very silly. I could not resist buying a pair of totally inappropriate "designer italian trousers" in black when they popped up in my shop the day Georgio Armani died. I'm never letting go of those.

but today i kinda lost my shit and gamed the system in order to get enough points for a black flower i don't need and a marshmallow on a stick which is something i don't even eat or have any association with other than campfires which is kinda nice i guess but i don't actually like them? i did this because...? i just wanted them, why? I still do! and I did get the points for them, but it was totally cheating and i'm trying to resist this silliness and focus on the point of the app which is self-care and building better habits to improve quality of life for ourselves, not collecting little trinkets for my birb. i guess maybe my birb could be a crow? lololol.

nah, i think she's a finch, still.

(I named my birb Sarooroo because of the whole Labubu craze - those little demon dolls are hecka cute. I am also NOT buying one.)

it is kinda funny that the finch app has these yellow sunflower glasses and some of those who're getting them show off screenshots of their birbs dressed as Art the Clown lol. Terrifier looks like too scary of a movie for me but I like Art the Clown's style. I wonder if he is demonic like Pennywise or just murder-happy? Being super into halloween means i have friends who are super into horror and I sooooooo am not, but i enjoy the Art design and it's everywhere in all the halloween areas so it's hard not to start to get a little attached, or, morbidly curious?

...

such a wild dip in mood today after 1pm, so frustrating. the morning was really nice. i was actually happy for a little while. it's not as much like being high as it is a feeling of being released from a nonsensical but tenacious gnawing grinding pain, a weight, a nagging, a sharp, hot, clawing sensation that every once in a while releases its talons. it's like escaping into a grassy field after being trapped in a moldy basement. how did i end up back here. i can see the grassy field, why can't i be in it. how do i keep getting stuck like this.

...

I had the fleeting sensation today of wishing that my life circumstances could have afforded me the resources, the family support, and the emotional and psychological scaffolding required to have just one child. I never had a chance to do that, and there are moments, few and far between and very fleeting, when a searing, hot pain of yearning and unfairness digs into me. It's not the same as the waves of grief that come from loss, this feeling of missing something that never was, never could be, a missed chance, something that I was robbed of ever even considering as a possibility, never having the money or support or body that could sustain another life. Sometimes my insides scream over it. It happens very infrequently and it passes quickly. But the pain is cutting, when it is here.

there is a perspective that could be taken that would say, this is an utter biological failure of being. a "you had one job" kind of perspective, genetically. i was supposed to create another human, to perpetuate this little bloodline. that's the whole point of life and i failed.

but deep down, we know, that is not the whole point of life. the whole point of life, is love.

..

It's also sad to experience this being a part of the "neurodivergent" community not by biology, but from childhood neglect and trauma. other than being an HSP I'm fairly confident i could have been neurotypical, but, "trauma brain" is a thing that does not work the way a healthy, well-developed brain does. and this is never. going. to. change. this got wired in development and i'm stuck with it.

it's okay, it makes me more compassionate, more sensitive, more a lot of good things. it just. isn't fair. but life isn't. that's okay.

i am so tired of trying to fix my depression. i am more interested in being curious and accepting of this. it's hard for others and i know josh suffers from it, but i suffer more, and the less accepted i feel the way i am, and the more pressure i feel to "fix" it, the worse it seems to get. i just have to meet myself where i am at.

serafaery

Josh's cold he brought back from his work trip finally did me in. This is typically the pattern. He comes home sick from travel, I appear to be in the clear for a week, and just as he recovers, I succumb.

It's miserable, this is the sickest I've been in a while. The sinus headache is the worst, I'm just so congested. Had to cancel work and social plans, but I'm happy to rest. I just wish I felt a little less horrible. The pain was bad enough that I took two ibuprofen last night, something I do less than once a year on average, I would say.

Barely slept last night, my nose completely plugs if I lie down so I have to prop up my head.

I dreamt of saltines, that's how much I love them. I found a brand a few months ago that is made with organic olive oil, rosemary, and sesame seeds, and they come in little eight-cracker packets, and I consume one daily. It is such a lovely little airy salty crispy comforting treat. It is childhood comfort food and I love it so.

Josh and I put in another offer on another house. We'll see if this one lands, it's a solid offer, we are pretty serious about this one. It is on an ugly street in a so-so neighborhood, but it is near enough things we like (1/2 - 1.5 miles from several parks, stores, cafes, and his parents) to make it okay. While the street is not attractive, the house most definitely is. We drove by it a month ago and decided not to schedule a tour because of the unattractive street, but I talked Josh into trying again and when we got inside... the two storey vaulted ceiling in the livingroom has a glorious support beam running the length of the room, perfect for rigging silks. !!! I had completely given up on the idea of finding anything I could rig silks in, and my eyes misted over with hope, which I had to hide from the seller's agent who was hosting the open house. There is a cat door and a fully fenced back yard for Avalanche, with easy to maintain landscaping, small but not too small. It is a newer house (2000) so no lead paint. It has an office for Josh with a not-terrible westerly view of some beautiful trees. I have not felt this hopeful during this process yet. There have been zero offers and we sent in a very, very strong one, it will land. We just have to see how the aging roof and such comes out in inspection. It needs new windows and the fence is in need of repair, it might need a/c next summer, things could get expensive quickly, but hopefully we could space out the upgrades. I am terrified of the risk but hopeful for the potential rewards. I never thought I would own a house. Being able to rig silks is a game changer. Josh would enjoy that as well. This might work. It is near a popular mall where I could potentially partner with a shop to sparkle in, which would help me capture customers on that side of town. There is so much potential. There is no street parking but we could move our cars around the corner and have guests park in the driveway of the two-car garage, it is workable. It has rhododendrons and japanese maples, very little grass (we both dislike lawns), a cute little netted covered shelter in the back (a creek nearby probably fosters mosquitoes) and simple decking, it is so sweet. Terrified but also crossing my fingers. We are lucky to hit sort of a sweet spot in the market where interest rates have fallen, but only just this weekend, so the price of houses have not risen in response, yet. So it's a lower monthly payment than paying the same amount for a house a month ago. Or even a week ago.

The forms for these are always stressful but I got through them okay, this morning, despite the headcold.

My reward is this little second cup of coffee with a hint of chocolate sauce and I will settle in with a youtube video of fall decorations from one of my very favorite channels, Renee's cozy cottage.

Avalanche knows I'm sick - she curled up on my lap this morning instead of insisting on her usual morning playtime, she knows.

...

Josh and I had a lot of fun at the Vampire Ball Saturday. We were both tired (I didn't realize I was succumbing to his cold and thought it was just my period making me feel bad) so left just after midnight, usually I dance dance dance the night away until 2am there. Finley made an appearance and was very kind to me and sent me some sweet messages after.

I should post pictures but my face hurts, uuughhhh lol.

Avalanche just came back to my lap purring up a storm, awwww.

I found frozen bone broth in the fridge I made months ago and thawed it last night and had it for breakfast this morning, it was soooooooooo soothing, thanks past me for taking the time to simmer bones for 24 hrs so I could have some healthy nourishment in my time of illness.

Thanks mom for teaching me how to make bone broth.

My mother was magical and powerful and magnificent in so many ways. Her mental illness and addition got the better of her, often, but deep down she was good and she gave me such wonderful gifts and I am forever grateful. Nobody is perfect and while some of her cruelty was unforgivable, I miss her painfully every day and am forever grateful for her goodness, and how hard she worked to provide a good life for me, she absolutely did the best she could and despite all the pain I love love love her forever, for that. I still feel like a broken off shard of her, she was bigger and greater and smarter and just more of a person than I am in so many ways. My depression and hyper-sensitivity have severely limited what I could do with what I've been given, and that is all okay. I am at peace with it. At least in this moment. My body is falling apart and hurting and failing in so many ways, but I've grateful for everything it's done to get me where I am. I am filled with gratitude, today, despite not being able to breathe through my nose, lol. My husband is being a jewel. My cat is being an angel. I am so, so lucky.

...

Maru died, on Sept 6. He was old, well into his 18th year. So I've been preparing for this for a while. He got lung cancer. He was such a magical cute adorable funny delightful charming singularly unique cat. I want to do a tribute with Avalanche in a box for him, I will see if I can get her to do something cute in Maru-style later today. I kind of want to send flowers or something to his owner, but they are in Japan. I am just so grateful for his adorableness and to them for sharing his antics with us for all these years. What a gift. What a funny life this is.

...

Still really enjoying the Finch app. Might be getting a little obsessive. But I don't think it's all bad. Josh asked why I was keeping up with the dishes? I explained that the app is helpful for chores. "You gameified it!" Yep pretty much :) Still perfectly happy with the free version, still learning all the little quirks of it. For example, I gave a few gifts today, just sort of for fun and as an experiment, and did not realize that once it's gifted, it will pop back up for purchase (not money, you get little stones for accomplishing tasks that can be spent on outfits or home decor for your support birb) again, so I don't have to go without myself if it's also something I want to own. I missed my chance on an item I liked, but I am trying to be at peace with not obsessing over collecting items. It's more about the micro-habits and gentle support through difficult tasks, like signing house offer forms :) Which I have another set to do still! But not until after I watch Renee's fall decoration video. :)

serafaery

feeling really out of balance and off-kilter.

Trying to keep up energy for vampire ball with Josh tonight. I'm hoping we can at least make it to the midnight waltz. then we can go. that's all I want, really.

Hand washed my gown, for the first time. This will be my fourth time wearing it?

My body does not want a gown on it but we'll make it work.

I started bleeding today, very lightly, I've been cramping since yesterday. I let myself eat corn chips and granola and fresh figs for dinner last night. I have a rule that the first day of my period I get to eat whatever I want. I felt sooooooo terrible and guilty about it for hours, but when I woke up at 4am (as I always do, it's a trauma thing) my body thanked me, I felt warm and held and comforted and it was good. I was not wrong to eat chips and granola and fresh figs for dinner.

The figs are perfect right now. Such a lovely september fruit.

And soon there will be PERSIMMONS. My favorite.

...

Something I realized recently with some deep sadness is that I don't think I will ever be able to reconnect with people through journaling the way I did back in the 2000s. Right now, the only person I feel any familiarity with is someone who posts "daily happiness" about his cats and goes to disneyland a lot. It works because they are basic, everyday posts with basic info and nice photos pretty regularly, and I remember who they are. But for the folks who post long complex reflections, I can't keep track of who is who or how I know them or relate to past entries because I can't remember which one wrote what when. I can sort of remember, oh, this guy is the one who had cancer, that one is the one who is a teacher, this one one is x, whatever, but I get them all mixed up and the entries don't reference basic things about who they are so that I can re-remember anything.

My menopausal brain just cannot keep track.

This is not any sort of criticism of their writing style. I write this way too, and way worse, definitely. I am just writing for me. I gave up trying to write for others when all of my eljay friends vanished. I was so heartbroken and lonely, I just shut down the part of my heart that yearned for genuine connection through journaling. I had to assume I was all alone to be able to keep coming here. I am still friends with a handful of people from those days, one of which dramatically changed my life for the better in myriad ways, including being the reason I met my husband and one of my most beloved best friends/soulmates. She lives in my city now and we still trick-or-treat one another on Halloween. I am so grateful for her, always, and the other long-term friends that stuck for 20+ years.

But it won't work again, my little hurting menopause brain cannot keep track.

It's the same with fiction writing. If there are characters in a book, a name will pop up and I will have no idea, unless it is somehow explicit in the context, oh this is the sister with the vendetta or oh this is the love interest with the curly blonde hair or oh this is the prince with a chip on his shoulder - I cannot keep them straight to save my life. I seriously would need to take notes and refer back until I memorize them and it's SO HARD to do that. The last fiction book I was able to get through and remember any of the characters was Name of the Wind/Wise Man's Fear and that was what, 2012 that I read those? 2011?

I STILL remember Dena and Fela and Kvothe and Feluria and and and.

But going forward I don't know if I will be able to do this, anymore. My brain cannot keep track of basic things, let alone complex things. It really does feel terrifying, like losing ones mind, like having dementia, like taking crazy pills, I hate it so much.

Supposedly this is temporary and after ten or so years of synaptic connection "pruning" (a nice euphemism for a process that shrinks our brains by a full 20%) things will return to "normal" function. "We recover," says the literature, women actually come out the other side slightly sharper than men of the same age. But during? Forget it. I am surprised I can remember the names for colors at this point.

Anyway. I am tempted to simplify my entries somehow, but I don't know. Maybe it's just better to assume I'll be alone here and stay that way.

Aside from Michael B! That connection has actually stuck, come to think of it. :) Maybe all hope is not lost. I don't know.

...

Karissa's dad is doing better. But having her break down in tears about him being sick was mildly triggering, for me. I sometimes have the thought that, holy shit, all those kids I went to grad school with who didn't know what to say when my dad died, probably STILL have their dads, 25 years later. Holy shit there are people in their 60s who still have their dads! My stepbrother's 65yo wife still has her dad (and her mom). wtf!!!!!

It makes my brain and heart hurt to think about this.

I know most people have their moms, too. That I'm more used to running into and having to deal with - people just talk about their moms more, or at least, women do.

It gets jarring when someone loses a grandparent. But I'm slowly running out of friends young enough to have grandparents. I lost mine when I was very young, it never seemed abnormal but it was so painful later to listen to people describe in great detail their beloved grandparents and the elaborate funeral/memorials and a deep and cherished relationship and so many happy memories, none of these things I can relate to or ever got to have.

It is okay, it is all okay.

It's all just stories.

None of it really means anything, in the end.

In the end, my dust will flutter away and none of this will hurt anymore, and there will be no one to remember the hurt, or the love.

I try to hold this in my heart when I think about decluttering, and my body reacts with severe anxiety. "Nobody wants your shit," Sarah. It's all meaningless. It does not tie you to anything. It does not make your life more substantial or concrete or meaningful. It's all useless junk. Nobody wants it. It's in the way. It's a burden.

I am trying so hard not to be a burden.

It is exhausting.

serafaery

I love this lady this is my new favorite lady.

Watch on YouTube

mark posting in

dw_maintenance

Per the dw_news post regarding the MS/TN blocks, we are doing a small code push shortly in order to get the code live. As per usual, please let us know if you see anything wonky.

There is some code cleanup we've been doing that is going out with this push but I don't think there is any new/reworked functionality, so it should be pretty invisible if all goes well.

denise posting in

dw_news

A reminder to everyone that starting tomorrow, we are being forced to block access to any IP address that geolocates to the state of Mississippi for legal reasons while we and Netchoice continue fighting the law in court. People whose IP addresses geolocate to Mississippi will only be able to access a page that explains the issue and lets them know that we'll be back to offer them service as soon as the legal risk to us is less existential.

The block page will include the apology but I'll repeat it here: we don't do geolocation ourselves, so we're limited to the geolocation ability of our network provider. Our anti-spam geolocation blocks have shown us that their geolocation database has a number of mistakes in it. If one of your friends who doesn't live in Mississippi gets the block message, there is nothing we can do on our end to adjust the block, because we don't control it. The only way to fix a mistaken block is to change your IP address to one that doesn't register as being in Mississippi, either by disconnecting your internet connection and reconnecting it (if you don't have a static IP address) or using a VPN.

In related news, the judge in our challenge to Tennessee's social media age verification, parental consent, and parental surveillance law (which we are also part of the fight against!) ruled last month that we had not met the threshold for a temporary injunction preventing the state from enforcing the law while the court case proceeds.

The Tennesee law is less onerous than the Mississippi law and the fines for violating it are slightly less ruinous (slightly), but it's still a risk to us. While the fight goes on, we've decided to prevent any new account signups from anyone under 18 in Tennessee to protect ourselves against risk. We do not need to block access from the whole state: this only applies to new account creation.

Because we don't do any geolocation on our users and our network provider's geolocation services only apply to blocking access to the site entirely, the way we're implementing this is a new mandatory question on the account creation form asking if you live in Tennessee. If you do, you'll be unable to register an account if you're under 18, not just the under 13 restriction mandated by COPPA. Like the restrictions on the state of Mississippi, we absolutely hate having to do this, we're sorry, and we hope we'll be able to undo it as soon as possible.

Finally, I'd like to thank every one of you who's commented with a message of support for this fight or who's bought paid time to help keep us running. The fact we're entirely user-supported and you all genuinely understand why this fight is so important for everyone is a huge part of why we can continue to do this work. I've also sent a lot of your comments to the lawyers who are fighting the actual battles in court, and they find your wholehearted support just as encouraging and motivating as I do. Thank you all once again for being the best users any social media site could ever hope for. You make me proud and even more determined to yell at state attorneys general on your behalf.

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Page generated 14 September 2025 17:44

I do believe in faeries

Reading

spiritual resonance.

how the fifth decade of life feels, today.

acorns and softness

(no subject)

living the dream

Code deploy happening shortly

Mississippi site block, plus a small restriction on Tennessee new accounts

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April 2017

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