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soft tuesday, allowing myself to grieve.
Slept through most of the night pain free, and actually had a pleasant dream for once (I get nightmares chronically most nights, it's a common issue with cPTSD/childhood trauma). But I was slow to get out of bed and the back pain crept back in.
A friend suggested a little self-care app called finch to me (lmk if you want an invite, can send it via email or DM or whatever), I failed to use her invite because I didn't understand how but I did friend her when I got there, at least.
It seemed like the app helped me a lot, today. I got through a bunch of stuff I've been struggling with for weeks. I made an appt for my orthotics for my injured right foot, I messaged my doctor at Rebound (disappointing reply but at least I tried), figured out how to get my x-ray done for my ankle (I might go first thing in the morning and then reward myself with a visit to the sunflower festival at Bella Organic Farm on Sauvie's Island), and asked to reschedule an appointment I am not ready for. I asked our realtor to schedule in Josh for a showing this weekend and asked our broker to draft some payment estimates for the house, in case we decide to put in an offer. I have gotten my heart set on another house that I'm hoping will be right for us. Its downsides are workable and it seems like a good little house overall, but there's no way to know for sure until we do an inspection, so. I'll at least look forward to walking through it again with Josh this weekend.
Got some errands done, attended to some work messages I'd been neglecting for a bit, took my supplements, played with Avalanche a lot, did some reading/studying, did some laundry, keeping up on dishes despite Josh not being here (usually I let it go as soon as he leaves), even did my PT this morning.
functioning fairly well but I still feel just absolutely miserable. It is so frustrating. I am working on avoiding the news altogether, especially NPR, which has become just constant violence. I am working on listening to soundscapes and music and not doomscrolling so much, it is helping a bit, it's not as hard as I thought it was going to be.
Just still really reeling from trying to figure out who I am and how to move forward with this really painful body. it feels like dying and I am fixated on death, which happens when I get really depressed. So I know that even though I am getting through some tasks, even ones that can be really difficult for me (medical stuff), I am not well.
It feels like I will never be well.
It's just really hard to figure out how to move forward.
I want to be outside more but it's 90 degrees with poor air quality, alas. Tomorrow will be slightly cooler and a little bit of light rain, I am looking forward to that. x-ray and sunflowers, maybe? I've only been to Bella Organic farm in the fall for the haunted corn maze, it would be nice to see it in summer.
It's nice to have Tues/Wed as my weekend :)
Josh is out of town so I'm a little lonely and eating too much peanut butter (forbidden when he is home) and also relieved that I don't have to pretend to be okay for anyone. I am isolating a bit, I just am so tired of not being seen and listening to what everyone else is going through and not being able to share where I am at because it is too sad.
The friend who sent me the finch invite has been through a lot of death and loss like I have, not quite as much as she still lives with her parents, but her beloved little brother committed suicide a few years ago :(
time for sunset walkies. just had a tearful phone call with josh. he's in New Jersey for work and feeling lonely. we're okay, it's just kinda sad for us right now. walkies will help me not wallow in it too too much.